Just my thoughts...

Man oh man, who thought I would be here?

I am pregnant with twins, two boys and was recently put on bedrest - something that is more torture than one would expect. Of course, it is for the protection of the boys so that is important but there is nothing like getting your independence stripped and learning what losing control feels like. I guess this is the introduction to parenthood.

I don't know that I am writing this for anyone's benefit other than my own. For that matter, I guess I could put this in a word document and it would never go anywhere. There is something about becoming a tiny speck in a vast universe that makes me feel like I am still interacting with others - even if I don't know who they are.

Let's see - my story in a nutshell...

Funny, adventurous, workaholic, single girl meets cool guy when learning to skydive. He is younger than she is by about four years and is very different from herself. She talks with him one night to the wee hours of the morning and believes that she will "love him forever"...

I actually thought that. I knew that even if I married someone else, I would always go back to that night and that man and would always believe he was the man that I dreamed of. Two months later we decided to get married. He is the love of my life and I know that I was meant for him and he was meant for me. Five years later, a house in the burbs and my husbands business thriving beyond original expectations, we are pregnant with twin boys. We tried for two years, even ventured into infertility treatments. The surprise surprise, the day before elections I learned that I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. After all of the money spent on pregnancy tests turning up negative, I never thought I would know what a positive test looked like. My husband asked if I had gone to the doctor to confirm but I told him that I didn't really believe it was true. I promised that I would go the next day if I was "still pregnant". I took two more in the wee hours of the morning, both positive. As I stood in line to vote, I kept thinking..."is this real?" Afterward, I called Mike to see if he wanted me to pick up some Starbuck's and he said, "why aren't you going to the Dr.". That was when I made the slight detour, called the Dr. Office and went in to confirm. Well, it was true. I was pregnant - and apparently "very pregnant" based on my HCG numbers. After one more blood test and a quadrupling of HCG numbers, I asked if I was having twins. They said they couldn't confirm that but I already knew. I told Mike what I expected to be true, he didn't flinch (never does).

Fast forward to today...1st trimest was a nightmare. I lost about 11 lbs due to all-day sickness. I lived off of Nestle Quick and butter croissants because that was all that would stay down. 2nd trimester felt more like normalcy to me. Didn't have a ravenous appetite or food aversions or late night cravings. Everything was very normal. I started showing, maybe at 18 weeks? And then...two days after the 3rd trimester, this exhaustion settled on my like a wet blanket. I felt heavy all of a sudden. I had noticed that I was having Braxton Hicks contractions but didn't really keep track as to how long I had them or how many an hour. Saturday before last, the pain was more than usual and was persistent for about 6 hours when I decided to call the Dr. office. They called me into Labor and Delivery. They gave me Magnesium Solfide to stop the contractions and then moved on to two other drugs to keep the contractions down. One of the drugs totally screwed up my kidneys and liver so I stayed in the hospital another 4 - 5 days. The boys were fine - getting big (at 28 weeks, Baby B was 2lbs 15 oz and Baby A was 2lbs 11 oz). They gave them a steroid shot to build up their lungs. It was clearly their "traveling vessel" that was screwed up.

I am a very independent person. With my husband's business taking him away 7 days a week, I do alot of things completely on my own. I cherish and love that freedom. Not until I was confined to a bed with bathroom priveleges did I learn how much freedom meant to me. Something as small as the nurses controlling the number of CC's of water was more than I could bare. The whole experience was illuminating. I have worked full-time since I was about 14 or 15 and am vary rarely ill. I went from going 100 mph to 0. Part of how I defined who I was or the value that I provide was how successful I had become in my career. It was something I knew well and enjoyed doing. When you can no longer do that "thing" you are good at, you feel a little lost. It forces you to begin looking at yourself and learning about the value that you give each day other than what you can on a computer. I am still learning about myself and belief I will come out the other end of the tunnel with two beautiful boys and a new respect for myself as a person and not just a "worker".

Until then, those are just some of my thoughts.